Congregational Leadership

Ministry at a Time of Death: What Do You Say When You Don’t Know What to Say?

Just yesterday I visited a dear lady in the Henry County Hospital in New Castle, Indiana.  Her frail, emaciated body housed the positive spirit of a beautiful person, one who is strong in her unbending faith.   Unlike the wishes of her family, this woman is ready for her four-year battle with lung cancer to be over.  "I'm ready to go," she told me in front of her husband and adult grandson.  "I want to go," she added.  I held her hand and prayed a prayer of encouragement, not for her healing but for the Will of God to be accomplished.  Being a child of the King, that is the first and foremost desire of this dear lady.  Though we did not express it, we both knew that within a few weeks I will be standing by her casket.

Death is never a welcomed guest but most of us have known someone who has lost a loved one.  Perhaps you were called to one's side at the time of death, especially if you are a good friend or even the pastor, or maybe you were visiting the funeral home during the designated calling hours.  Regardless of who you are, what your position is, or what the situation may be, if you are in ministry, you are confronted with the awkward task of "saying the right thing" when you greet your grieving friend.

Lots of things are said to those who mourn, some of them very comforting.  Many of them, however, are highly inappropriate.  Some will say, "Well, God knows what's best."  But how can it be a good thing for someone to die and leave us forever?  The deceased may be out of their suffering, but loved ones are left behind to miss and mourn every day of their lives.  Some may say, "He or she is in a better place."  Although that may be true, the person left behind is still in "this" place without that certain someone.   Reminders will be everywhere and that loved one will find it difficult to navigate through their days ahead.  Some even say, "God needed another angel in heaven," especially if the deceased was a child.  But our theology does not call for our becoming angels when we die.  That statement may be one of comfort, yet it is no more than a consoling lie.  What are they thinking?  People are merely reaching as deeply as they can to try to retrieve something that might, just might, make the heart a little less heavy.  We all seem to feel it is our personal responsibility to lighten the load and wipe away the tears.

Unfortunately, there are some who will even make comments that border on meddling.  My Mother never removed her wedding rings and she would even make comments about that when I was a boy growing up.  When she died at age forty-nine, my Dad and the three children made the decision to bury Mom with her rings.  More than one person approached me at the funeral home, complaining about leaving those rings on her finger.  Such comments were very offensive to me.  I was only twenty years old and had enough to deal with.  I really didn't need that added to my grief.

But let's not be too hard on people.  As a matter of fact, we ministers are sometimes right there with them.  I think we really want to do and say the right thing, the proper thing, the helpful thing, the consoling thing, when we go to pay our respects, so we try our best to find words of comfort, yet, if we're not careful,  our tongues may do more harm than good.  We all apparently need to give ourselves permission to say absolutely nothing-just be there.  That's all a grieving person wants and needs-just to know someone cares, just to know they are not alone.  They are not listening for flowery phrases.  They just need a friend, a true friend who shares their pain.  I've known a few people over the years who didn't know what to say so they just stayed away.  My friend who is dying at Henry County Hospital has not had a visit from her best friend in months because her friend "just can't handle it."

Sharing in another's grief doesn't mean we have to wax eloquently.  It might mean we need to weep with them.  That's what Jesus did.  He arrived at the tomb of his friend, Lazarus, and in the presence of the two remaining sisters, the Bible says that Jesus wept (John 11:35).   Some have debated with me about this, but I don't believe Jesus wept because of the loss of his friend.  Afterall, He knew He was going to raise him from the dead.  I believe Jesus wept because of those two hurting sisters.

Sharing one's grief may also mean that we say or do nothing.  Many times, even as a pastor, I have stood silently in the background, my presence speaking louder than words.  I remember standing (for there was not another extra chair in the room) by the bedside of a dying saint for eight consecutive hours until she was gone.  The family seemed to find comfort in my presence, for the pastor or minister usually represents God.  Just being there is many times the greatest thing we can do.  It demonstrates our genuine, heartfelt love and concern.  The Apostle Paul made it clear that we may be the only Bibles some people will ever read:  "You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everybody."  (2 Corinthians 3:2, NIV)  Therefore, we must realize that others need to see Jesus in us without our uttering a word.

Losing both my parents two years apart afforded me learning experiences I would have never chosen.  My Mom was forty-nine and my Dad was fifty-four, both too young to die.  Those experiences, however, did teach me how mourners can act and react, how they feel and are affected.  Well wishers shook my hand or hugged me or verbally assured me of their genuine care and concern.  I watched them walk down the hill from the gravesite, get into their cars, and leave.  I realize people are busy, they have their own lives to live.  Most of them I never saw again.  All of these feelings and experiences put together prompted me to write a book for Nazarene Publishing House, Pastoral Care in Times of Death and Dying.

My book is written to help anyone who is losing or who has lost a loved one, and it is for ministers and other caregivers as well.  Its purpose is to help us become more aware of the fact that we don't have to have the right words to say, but we need to just be there.  The truth is, there are no magic words at the time of death.

Because of losing my Mom and Dad at an early age, my heart has always gone out to those who suffer loss.  For over thirty years as a pastor, I have volunteered my services to officiate the funeral or memorial services for those I never knew.  Whenever the local mortuaries have an unchurched family, they often call me.  Today I preach lots of funerals because I feel strangely called to that as a ministry.  As a result, I have been able to guide some young pastors through their first experiences of burying the dead.   A major portion of my book deals with this-making arrangements, preparing the sermon, traditions, officiating the committal, and finally, follow-up.

It's fun to go to a wedding and support the bride and groom as they take their leap into a new relationship together.  It's exciting to go to the hospital and rejoice with a couple as a new life makes its way into this world.  It's wonderful to be the minister who baptizes believers to signify an outward sign of an inward work.  A funeral is never fun.  Calling hours at a funeral home are not hilarious.  The preaching of a funeral message does not usually bring "amens" from the crowd.  Standing under a tent and staring into an open grave is not a time for rejoicing.  So from where do we get those words of comfort?  Where do we find the proper things to say to the one who has lost the dearest on earth to them?  They come from the Comforter Himself.

The Apostle Paul wrote, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." (1 Corinthians 1:3-4, NIV)  Jesus referred to the Holy Spirit as the Comforter in John chapters 14, 15, and 16.  In those chapters Jesus promises the coming of the "paracletos."  That Greek term has been translated in various Bible translations as "Advocate," "Helper," "Comforter."  The Message says, "I will talk to the Father, and he'll provide you another Friend so that you will always have someone with you."  He is "the one who comes alongside."  This Spirit of Christ infills us in order to speak through us to help others who are hurting.

It's reassuring to me to know that I don't have to come up with something to say on my own.  The Holy Spirit within me wants to assist.  He wants to give me the right thing to say that will help instead of hinder.  Many times His instruction is to say nothing.  For this reason, as I walk down the corridor to the hospital room, or as I drive down the street to the home of the mourning loved ones, or as I make my way across the parking lot to the funeral parlor, I breathe a prayer asking the Spirit to direct me.  I want my words and my actions to be of comfort and encouragement to those who are suffering a great loss.  The Holy Spirit will help me.

That's exactly what Jesus said He would do.  "But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things ..." (John 14:26, NKJV)  The Holy Spirit will teach us the right thing to say and the proper thing to do.  "However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you ..." (John 16:13, NKJV)  The Holy Spirit wants to be our guide to direct us at every turn.  For these reasons, we absolutely must rely on the Spirit of God for assistance in a very delicate matter, that of comforting those who have suffered loss.

So what do you say to a wounded friend when no words seem adequate?  Perhaps you need to say nothing and just be there or maybe the Holy Spirit will prompt you to speak words that will bring a balm to begin healing in the life of a hurting soul.

To order Pastoral Care in Times of Death and Dying, go to dannygoddard.com or order directly from Nazarene Publishing House.  This book is also available through Barnes and Noble and Borders.