Family Ministry

Too Young to Go to War, Old Enough to Suffer

Do you know a seven-year-old?  What makes her giggle?  What toy tops his Christmas list this year?  Most youngsters engage life with tons of energy, curiosity and delight.  An increasing number, unfortunately, are drained of childhood optimism and vigor.  The culprit?  War!  I'm not talking about the plight of children in Afghanistan or Iraq forced to take up weapons.  American and Canadian children, those in our own backyards, playing soccer and hockey afterschool, and memorizing multiplication tables are the ones suffering from war.   They are children of soldiers.  Writing on November 11, 2010, Remembrance Day (Veterans Day), Jamie Hall of the Edmonton Journal warns that "children of soldiers are among the biggest casualties" 1 of war.

How serious is it? Stacy Bannerman, author of When the War Came Home: The Inside Story of Reservists and the Families They Leave Behind, reports the attempted suicide of a seven-year-old second-grader while his father was deployed to Iraq yet again.2   Suicide?  A seven-year-old?  A rare occurrence to be sure but the precipitating anguish and anxiety are all too common among youngsters in military families.  Data released in May 2010, indicates a significant increase in the number of children of active duty parents using mental health services.  In just five years (2003 - 2008), outpatient mental health visits made by children doubled from one million to two million.3   During the same period, the "total days of inpatient psychiatric care for children of active duty personnel 14 and under increased from 35,000 to 55,000."4 Kids ages 4 to 17 whose parent has deployed seek mental health services at a rate three and a half times  higher than their civilian counterparts.5  Sound serious enough?

Perhaps it should not surprise us then that psychological issues identified as "high risk" are showing up in one third of children with a parent at war.6  Behavioral and emotional issues common to civilian children under stress also characterize children in military families but at greater levels of intensity.  For example, one in four children experience depression.7  One in five children cope with academic problems.8  Youngsters lash out in anger and disrespect authority figures.9  Thirty-seven percent report "they are seriously worried about what could happen to their deployed caretaker."10 Imagine the trauma associated with having dad or mom leave multiple times for a war zone across the world whose life-threatening situations are highlighted in media coverage nearly every day.   

Doubtless the at-home parent desires to create a safe, secure haven for stressed out kids.  But how feasible is this when caregivers themselves struggle with maintaining a household, holding down a job, and keeping an attentive eye on the heightened needs of children?  At minimum, it is a hugely demanding undertaking, one fraught with complexities and any number of crises.  Preserving one's own mental health becomes a central concern.  The reported association between high parent stress and a child's functioning at high levels of risk is clearly understandable.11  Perhaps this is best highlighted by the fact that "the rate of child maltreatment (physical, emotional or sexual abuse) in families of enlisted army soldiers was 42 percent higher during combat deployment than during non-deployment."12 The emotional and spiritual vigor of resident parents bears a profound influence on the degree of emotional, relational, and academic wellbeing experienced by children under their care while a spouse is serving active military duty.

Who's helping?  It is easily assumed that military and civilian mental health providers form the frontline of defense for these hurting families.  This is generally true.  At the same time, however, it is important to acknowledge that a severe shortage of "mental health professionals with expertise in working with military families" exists on base and in the civilian sector.13    Further, active duty mental health personnel such as licensed clinical psychologists are experiencing elevated levels of burn-out and attrition.14   Proverbial administrative red tape and inconsistent policies deter both service providers and families from connecting with each other.15

Let this brief initiation into the plight of the youngest yet biggest casualties of the Iraq and Afghanistan conflicts be a reality check for neighbors, relatives, teachers, pastors, and all of us.  After all, as Claire Corriveau puts it, "The military is us, it's all of us: our brothers, our uncles, our friends, our sisters.  We all have to share the burden that comes with these missions."16 Even long after this war ends, the children of soldiers will face substantial problems in their families.

Now is the time for congregations to stand in the gap; to think short-term as well as long term about strategies to bolster the wellbeing of youngsters aching over the daily absence of someone they love and in harm's way.  We can begin by keeping foremost in our minds the needs of a child in stressful times.  Andrew Lester, author of Pastoral Care with Children in Crisis, points to eight elements pertinent to an understanding of kids facing difficult circumstances.  

1.    A sense of competence:  Feelings of helplessness and confusion can be reduced by including children in the processes of responding to the crisis and offering input for decisions.
2.    Healthy attitudes and values:  Modeling a Christian stance toward tough and intense experiences shapes youngsters perceptions of God's purposes in the world and His love amid trauma and anxiety.
3.    Confirmation of perceptions:  Respond to children's difficult question honestly.  Avoid sugar-coating and overprotecting.  Being realistic promotes healing as children cope with what they know instead of skewed perceptions.
4.    A sense of belonging:  Isolating kids from conversations or ignoring their concerns prompts feelings of abandonment.  Feeling safe and secure stems from being included in what is happening.
5.    Adult friends:  Cultivating friendship with a child during challenging times provides the shoulder of someone outside the family to lean on.   Children draw strength from an authentic, loving adult friend.
6.    Someone to listen:  Taking plenty of time to engage children in conversation about their innermost thoughts and fears builds trust and conveys comfort.  
7.    Acceptance of feelings:  Placating threatening emotions with "Everything will be alright," prompts false hope instead of encouraging children to accept the validity of human feelings whatever they are.
8.    Spiritual support:  Help children interpret crisis experiences by naming spiritual realities such as grace, mystery, forgiveness, and blessing.  Explore religious misinterpretations they pick up from others or make themselves.17

Without a safe and secure environment, children affected by deployment are less able to develop coping skills.  What better place for vulnerability to be protected and love to be learned than the community of faith.  Consistent and sensitive support from Christian adults and peers builds a sustaining center of love and hope for distracted children and their families.  Nursery workers, Sunday school teachers, pastors, and ministry leaders contribute to the emotional health of stressed children by engaging in activities such as the following.  

• Greet children warmly with a smile and an appropriate hug.
• Respect varied family structures and living arrangements. Living with grandparents during periods of a parent's deployment is not uncommon.
• Initiate conversations and activities (art, music, writing, puppets) that invite children to express their feelings.
• Display photos of the deployed parent in uniform.
• Post clearly marked maps showing where military troops are stationed.
• Send group pictures and hand written letters or cards to the deployed parent.
• Form supportive partnerships among military and civilian families. Share childcare, shopping trips, game nights, outings and holiday celebrations.
• Pray publically for the protection and wellbeing of military personnel identifying a child's parent by name.
• Demonstrate patience with a child's inability to concentrate for extended periods of time. Remember they are likely distracted by worry, resentment, or anger.
• Provide academic support through a homework group or one-on-one tutoring.
• Encourage and enable family members to receive support through mental health agencies and qualified counselors.
• Surprise the child's family with a grocery shower, lawn care, or a vehicle tune-up.18

We can be confident that intentional and regular expressions of care during hard times make a difference today and in the future.  Remember that childhood crises have "a significant impact on an individual's later adult identity, specifically on spiritual formation."19 Caring acts and interventions such as those mentioned, can go a long way towards enabling families to navigate difficulties with hope, stronger coping skills, and a firmer faith in God.  It is critical that those too young to go to war but old enough to suffer feel the embrace and blessing of the One who said, "Let the children come to me, do not hinder them; for to such belongs the Kingdom of God (Mark 10:13-14)."  

Endnotes
1 Jamie Hall, Film Salutes Military Families, Edmonton Journal, Nov. 11, 2010.
2 Stacy Bannerman, Military Children in Crisis, retrieved from www.truth-out.org, Nov. 11, 2010.
3 Kimberly Hefling, More Military Children Seeking Mental Care, Marine Corps Times (Springfield, VA: Army Times Publishing Co., 2009).
4  Ibid.
5 Stacy Bannerman, ibid.
6 Eric Flake, Beth Ellen Davis, Patti L. Johnson, Laura S. Middleton, "The Psychosocial Effects of Deployment on Military Children," Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics 30(4): 271-278.
7 Angela Huebner, Jay Mancini, Ryan Wilcox, Saralyn Grass, Gabriel Grass, "Parental Deployment and youth in Military Families: Exploring Uncertainty and Ambiguous Loss," Family Relations 56(2), 112-122.
8  Ibid.
9 Ibid.
10 Ibid.
11 Kimberly Hefling, Ibid.
12 Deborah A. Gibbs, Sandra L. Martin, Lawrence L. Kupper, Ruby Johnson, "Child Maltreatment in Enlisted Soldiers' Families During Combat-Related Deployments," Journal of the American Medical Association 298(5): 528-535.
13 Fianna Sogomonyan and Janice L. Cooper, Trauma Faced by Children of Military Families, (National Center for Children in Poverty, May 2010), 8.
14 Ibid.
15 Ibid.
16  Jamie Hall, Ibid.
17 Andrew D. Lester, Pastoral Care with Children in Crisis (Louisville, KY: Westminster John Knox Press, 1985), 52-63.
18  M. Allen, and L. Staley, "Helping children cope when a loved one is on military deployment," Young Children 62 (1): 82-87. Beyond the Journal: http://journal.naeyc.org/btj/200701.
19 Andrew D. Lester, Ibid, 15.