Families? In YOUTH Ministry?! Yeah, right.

The face of youth ministry is always changing.  The programs of the past are fading fast, and even the title of "Youth Minister" is in a state of flux.  In the past, programs were teen centered, high impact, and high emotionally charged events.  The programs focused solely on the teens as teens, not necessarily teens as budding adults ("adult larva" as I like to call them).  The programs challenged teens to live as Christian teens, with the hope of them becoming Christian adults, but, in reality, there were few examples of Christian adults for them to see, and they were unclear what being a "Christian adult" meant. And in many ways youth ministry served as more of a wedge between teens and adults rather than a bridge between teens and adults.

Many of our church boards are calling for youth ministry to include components that will help teens, Christian and non-Christian alike, to see, hear, and experience what being a Christian adult is all about.  In order for this to happen, the we must provide times in which the teens interact with Christian adults in informal settings where they can talk about "real" life issues - i.e. relationships, families, money, sex, spiritual struggles, and spiritual growth.  But now comes the hard part, when, where and how does your youth ministry accomplish this task in the midst of lock-ins, pizza parties, mission trips, amusement park outings, cook outs, school's out parties, school's in parties, Sunday School, Worship services (times two), Sunday night afterglows, Tuesday night Bible studies, Wednesday night youth meetings, Friday night concerts, Youth Staff meetings, Youth Council meetings, parents meetings, and staff meetings (did I miss anything?)?! How and where does this "new" type of ministry fit in the already too packed schedule?  But that's not the biggest problem.  The biggie is what does this "new" form of ministry look like?  Is it family-focused, family-friendly, youth-focused, youth-friendly or what?  Each of these have their pluses and minuses, but just the array of different titles of this "new" form of ministry displays the struggle and confusion many Youth Minister's (OOPS, that term is out of date, Minister to Families of Adolescents) are having as they recognize the change in their ministry.  Many are trying to decide what being a Minister to Families of Adolescents means for them, and what changes best suit their ministry.

It is no secret that the time of adolescence is a time of change.  The adult larva in our churches are trying to figure out how to become an adult.  They are looking for what they want to become, and they are very moldable during this stage.  They search for ideologies and value sets that best fit who they think they want to be.  They turn to many diverse areas such as television, the internet, school, music, books, peers (who are also on the same search), and even the church in their search.  They want to know what an adult looks like, talks like, feels like, and thinks like.  They especially want to know what it is about the Christian adult that makes them different from the non-Christian adult.  Yet at the same time, there are some forces in their culture that tell them to stay way from adults because "they're not cool." Many times the only way these adult larva have any contact with an adult is about the same way we come into contact with animals in the zoo, either we go as a group and visit them while they are in their cages or the zoo keeper brings in one or two "tame" animals into our group for a special, controlled presentation.  But Christian adults are not wild zoo animals, although they are sometimes feared like the lions and tigers. So we need to provide our teens with opportunities to come in contact with and connect with Christian adults. 

The area of change from traditional youth ministry to "family" ministry is like a black hole.  Everyone knows it's there, it can be seen, but nobody knows what's inside it.  "What shape does it take, what does it contain, who does it affect, and how do I do it?" are the questions being asked by many youth ministers who are faced with the changing scope of what has always been known as "youth ministry."  The classical youth minister is in a struggle over the need to help their teens become adult Christians while being independent from adults.  This has a major impact on how a "family" ministry is done.  If the teen is over saturated by the adults, they will not be able to operate in the world on their own or they will rebel against the intrusion of the adults into their world.  If the adults are left out of the picture, the teen is left with no form to follow, although they are told about what they should follow, or not follow, they don't get to experience the adult Christian first hand.

Many of the teens in youth groups only come into contact with adults in their own home or at school.  These adults are often in conflict with the teen or not active in the life of the teen.  When they are not actively involved with the teen, they have little or no impact on the teen.  When they are in conflict with the teen, the teen gets a view of what he or she does NOT want to become.  This is further complicated when the adults are "Christians."  Teens sometimes conclude that "if that is what being a Christian is all about, I don't want to be one!"

Teens are constantly being told to "grow up," but rarely is anyone helping them by showing them how.  This is where the church comes in.  The church, with all its resources of people, can, and should, be a place where teens and adults, even the teen's parents, can learn how to be a Christian adult.  This does not, and might be best if not, done in formal settings of verbal discussions.  The best way for this to happen is by allowing more Christian adults to become part of the youth group.

So, how do we get teens and Christian adults in the same place? Or how do we become more family-centered in our approach to youth ministry? Well, I don't have all the answers, but here's a few things that I do to help my youth ministry move in that direction.

1. I ask parents to be on my Youth Staff. They get the "Youth Staff" shirt, go through the application process - even the background check - and everything. Then I put them in strategic places in the youth ministry. Some of them lead areas of ministry - like our worship teams, or drama teams, or even teach in classes. Some I have there just to hang out with the students and get to know them. Naturally, I don't ask all the parents, but I try to select the ones who earnestly want to be there for the right reason.

a. Positives: 1) Parents get to see that I am open to them being involved and the students get to see that I'm open to parents being involved. This helps my ministry to be the bridge between the two groups and less of a wedge. 2) Students get to see their parent in a different light. I've actually had some students get mad because their parent was NOT leading the group they were in and the other students saw their parent as "cool". 3) When it comes time for our monthly Youth Staff meeting, parent's are involved in the planning process of our youth ministry which gives them ownership in the ministry and they also have a better understanding of my vision for our youth ministry.

b. Negatives: 1) Well, I haven't really found any that come to mind.

c. Cautions: 1) Make sure you have a good balance of parents and non-parents as your youth staff. I have found that if you have too many parents it can get to be overwhelming to students - especially new students. 2) When doing small groups, encourage the parents and students to sit in different groups at times. This helps the students to feel they can truly open up and give honest answers to some of the tough questions that are asked. 3) Educate and train the parents to try not to be the "parent" (as if that can really happen) during gatherings. Help them to see that their student has questions that they just don't feel they can ask their parent, but that the word of another trusted adult is what they may need.

2.  I try to get to know the students' parents. When they are dropping them off or picking them up, I try to be out in the parking lot. I sometimes feel like a politician - shaking hands and kissing babies so to say - but that's where my first contact with some parents comes. I find this is especially helpful with the parents of teens that don't come to our church. It is the beginning place of building a relationship with them.

3.  COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!!! I do my best to get every parents name, address, phone numbers, and email address. Then I make it a point to send out a "Parent's Newsletter" every week. In this newsletter I include updates on upcoming activities, sermon titles for the next week's message, things that I need help with from them, and ways they can pray for our ministry. Then, I put in articles that I find that are on youth culture, or parenting tips, or ways they can have spiritual conversations with their teen, or other things that will help them or their student

4. I teach a class for parents once or twice a year. It helps me get to know more parents and lets them know that I'm on their side. We cover different parenting issues - communication, discipline, technology, youth culture, sexuality, spiritual development, etc.  This is where I begin to find more parents for my youth staff or for other roles in our youth ministry too - so it's a double win!

The key is not trying to figure out just the "right way" to be more family centered in your youth ministry.  The key is start doing it and tweak it as it goes. Let it be organic - it will grow and take shape over time. God calls parents in Deuteronomy 4:9 to teach His laws to "your children and to their children after them." And I believe He calls us as Youth Ministers or Ministers to Families with Teens or whatever we call ourselves to be one of the places that helps them accomplish this calling.