The Fine Art of Discipline

As a veteran youth worker, I realized as I thought about this topic, that at times I've not been very good at saying no.  Let me explain by retelling a story that occurred when my children were very young. 

We were going into JC Penney to buy a pair of shoes for my then 6-year-old first grader, with my then 4-year-old daughter tagging along.  I had a conversation with my four-year-old that went something like this:  "Now Kelli, we're going into this store to buy shoes for Kristin, not for you.  You don't need shoes, she does.  Daddy isn't going to buy you shoes.  This is just for Kristin."

We then proceeded to go through the long tedious process of finding that pair of shoes that was just right.  27 pair of shoes later, watching my 4-year-old slump deeper and deeper into despair, agonizing over the fact that she was watching her sister try on one pair of shoes after another, she disappeared.  Can't really say that I blame her, I wanted to leave the scene as well. 

When we finally landed on the "right" pair, I found Kelli oogling over a pair of fuscha, velour, ribbon-clad, shoes.  Kristin's shoes were costing me 40 clams, and in 1992, that was an expensive shoe for a 6-year-old, but prophetic of the taste that was developing in my two daughters.  The fuscha, velour, ribbon-clad shoes were only 6 bucks.  To me, that was well worth the money, saving me the grief of dealing with a pouting, depressed, 4-year-old on the way home.  So I bought both of them. 

As we were exiting the store, Kelli had this huge grin on her face.  I looked at here and asked her what she was thinking.  She looked up at me, and said with the big grin still on her face; "Daddy's are so easy to handle."  I was just trying to bring peace to my home, and had sent a very unhealthy message to both my daughters; Dad is a wimp!!

Youth ministry is not a place for wimps.  I've learned over the years that students and yes, my children, need to hear no.  They need boundaries, and need them defined by those who understand the results of crossing certain lines.  You know what, so do I.  So, with all that being said, how do we go about setting up boundaries, saying no when no needs to be said?

First, we need to clarify what the expectations are.  Students want and need to know what and where the lines are drawn, and why.  Sometimes the biggest mistake I've made is just using the line, "because I said so".  That doesn't work very well with students.  I think they deserve to know the honest reasons why we say what we do.  I realize there are times we don't owe them an explanation, but some of the best conversation with students I've had has revolved around answering the question, why?  Paint very clear expectations, and when appropriate, give the reasons.

Second, when these expectations are tested, stand your ground.  Unlike the father in the opening story, stick to your guns.  You will be tested, and not just by four-year-olds.  13-year-olds are some of the greatest pushers of boundaries in the history of time.  They are trying to discover who they are, how that fits with their relationships; friends, family, and you.  I had some great advice from the minister of music from my first church.  He said that there are some battles worth bleeding over, the toughest part of saying no, is discerning what is worth going to the mat for.  What is worth bleeding over?  That leads me to my third suggestion.

Choose your battles with prayer and wise counsel.  There are some battles that we choose to fight at times, that to be honest, aren't worth it, and take away from the ones that are.  Going ballistic when the student isn't listening to you speak in youth group can take away from the credibility when something really needs your voice to be heard. Maybe there are other issues at play in the life of that student.  Being attentive to that helps us know when it is time to discipline.

Last, admit when you're wrong.  Some of the most meaningful character development for me has happened during times when I've had to sit with a student and apologize for being wrong.  Do you know what that does to your relationship with a student when you sit across a table from them, and ask for their forgiveness for hurting them, leading them astray by our own behavior?  Those have been some of the best times in ministry.  Students have their radar up, and can smell inauthenticity a mile away.  If we're wrong, we just need to ‘fess up, ‘cause they already know.

Notice I'm not being very definitive of what those things are?  It's because I don't want this to turn into a debate on what is important and what isn't.  That misses the point.  You know your students, you know which buttons to push on them, and they know how to push yours as well.  Keeping that in perspective and reacting appropriately to the situation we're facing is the key.    

I know what some of you are saying; wow, that's deep.  I understand.  Knowing the reasons to say no aren't that difficult, but standing your ground, choosing your battles when there will be bloodshed, now that's another story.  The reasons we say no, is because the students we love and serve are worth it.  It's worth the time, the blood loss, the battles fought, the stands made, and the relationships developed to say no. 

So when is it time to draw the line in the sand and say no?  Remember, this process is for the student, it is never about you.  The goal is for us to enable students to stand on their two feet, be self-disciplined and have laid claim to their own faith.  That is always where we are headed.  With that in mind, here are a few suggestions.

Know your student.  The most important aspect of this whole process is your willingness to develop a strong relationship with the student your saying no to.  If you have no relationship with them, you might as well be an adult in a Charlie Brown cartoon.  Discipline apart from relationship helps no one.  That also begs the question, how many adults do you have on your youth staff?  You can't know and relate to every student in your ministry.  Your best allies are those other adults who are in the trenches with you.  The more contacts with adults your students have, the better they will hear and respond to what you are about.

Two, realize that your rules weren't set for students to break.  This destroys your credibility and the credibility of every other adult as a leader for your students.  When your expectations are compromised, be consistent in how you respond.  Don't make rules unless you're willing to bleed for them.

Three, when the time comes for you to step forward and say no, do it in a positive way for the student, letting them know that this is for what's best.  It will help in this process if you realize that the majority of the time, their dismissal of your expectations has very little to do with you, and is much more a statement of who and where they are.  Use it as a teaching tool with them.  Be constructive in your discipline, helping them to mature in every way; mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Four, never isolate parents from this process.  We are not a buffer between the student's parents and what is happening with the student.  They are our partners in ministry, and have a much greater investment in the life of their student than we ever will.  Except in the extreme cases of abuse, always make the parents a part of the healing process for the student.  You might not win points with the student in the short run, but it is what's best for everyone involved.  You can communicate clearly with both students and parents about how this process will work.  I learned early on, that if and when something happened with a student that demanded response, one of the first courses of action for me was to call their parents, and bring them into the process of discipline.  They are your friends, and deserve to be on the front lines with you.

One of the greatest mistakes I made in ministry was trying to handle a situation where a student in my group was drinking.  I thought it best to bring the students into the process of confrontation and discipline, and the parents were the last ones to hear.  Need I say anymore?  A supportive pastor saved me a world of grief, and a humble, apologetic attitude on my part saved my relationship with a family.

When you set boundaries, also be clear of what the results will be, and stick to them.  Making exceptions for certain students; giving second chances for some and not for others; or outright choosing to ignore what is happening, takes away personal integrity and diminishes the integrity of our ministry with both parents and students.  It only allows for confusion, and makes the enforcement of the same rule more and more difficult.  Be consistent, regardless of the student, the family involved, and make the price equal for everyone.

When possible, allow your own emotions to be in control before dropping the hammer.  There are certain students, and certain situations, that always set me off.  Having other adults around serving as a buffer until I could get my own emotional response under control was key to a proper healthy response.  Remembering again that this isn't about me, but it's about the location of the student's own developmental process, remembrer this helps us keep our response proper.

Saying no is never fun.  In ministry, saying no is one of the ways we show love.

Saying no in ministry isn't just about saying no to our students.  It's also taking the initiative too say no for ourselves and our families, drawing up healthy boundaries that when saying no, can be saying yes as well.  It would be just like me to apply something like this to ministry, and not see how it applies to my own health and the health of my family.  I think at times these have been the one's I've neglected the most over the years.

For instance, we need to make sure that we are taking a day off each week, spending quality time with our kids, and dating our spouse.  Saying no to the demands of ministry can mean saying yes to the most important people in our lives. 

Too often in ministry we neglect those who are closest to us for the sake of ministering to others.  I'm not going to say much more here, because I don't think I need to, none of need to feel any guiltier about how we spend our time.  But we do need to be dating our wives and our children, and taking time for ourselves.  All these are just as necessary to building a balanced, healthy ministry as having the backbone to say no to students when discipline and order demand it.  Saying no isn't just about discipline, it's also about health. We'll be talking about that more in the future.

Students need to see us modeling and being consistent in our love for ourselves and the ones closest to us.  All of the things listed for reasons to discipline students can also apply to us saying no for the sake of ourselves and our families; setting up boundaries that protect us and our time with them, being consistent, learning which battles are the important battles to fight, and apologizing to them when we let them down.  Saying no isn't an easy thing to do, especially when it involves ministry, but we need to see the positive side of saying no.

I had that pair of shoes until last August when I gave them away to the most significant person in my daughter's life, her new husband.  They always served as a reminder of the times I have let my children and maybe some of yours down, because I've chosen to give in when I should have stood up.  They are also reminding me that it's okay to stay at home on a Friday night.  It's right to take time to care for my children, choosing them over the ones I serve.

Oh, my wife and two daughters have survived the traumatic events of their lives, maybe better than their husband and father, and there is a good chance your students will too.  I suppose at the end of the day,  the lasting affect is more on me, and my desire to be consistent, loving, and protecting of those who are under my care, not least of all myself and my family.